Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Maternataxi

The following poem was written by my last crewmate and myself after we'd done our umpteenth "Maternity Taxi" job in 3 days.

Now I know there are mums-to-be that try not to call, and wait at home so that they don't go into hospital too early in labour just to be sent home and end up mis-timing it so we end up being called to deliver the baby.

Then there are those that forget that the more babies you have, the shorter the labour is and get the timing wrong. I don't mind those.

It's the ones that feel a contraction so call us. It mostly occurs with mums-to-be having their 1st baby, and I can understand that they might panic a little, but they've had 9 months to plan this moment! And then they sometimes insist on us carrying them. Why? I don't know. I know that labour is sodding painful, but it really doesn't stop your legs from working. Besides, walking while in labour can actually help the process.

So there now follows a slightly cynical poem entitled "Maternataxi".

MATERNATAXI

You’ve had this bump for 9 months now,
And things at home are ready.
So why sit there about to drop,
Watching good old tele.

Every day we are here,
You can count on us.
We are fast and cheaper than,
A Cab or London bus.

Just dial us now, the call is free,
You know we won’t be slow.
We have nothing better to do,
Than sit around you know.

You say you cannot make the stairs,
Of your 10th floor flat.
Yes OF COURSE we’ll carry you,
It’s only our backs.

We try and help all those in need,
We do that every day.
So why should we come and pick you up,
For transport you won’t pay.

PHONE 999 we will be fast,
If that is your wish.
Thank you for calling us,
And taking the P - - -.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Newbieatcac said...

I had about 6 maternity calls yesterday night! 2 of which the contractions were over 5 minutes apart . The funniest one was from this spanish family who phoned up shouting "baby coming! Baby coming!" down the phone. I'm ready to spring into action so I ask them can you see, feel or touch any part of the baby. The husband says I don't know. So I ask him to go and look. He goes away and comes back and says I can't see, she has clothes on. So I tell him to go back and remove her under clothes to have a look. To this he replies, I don't want to touch her!!!! I just sat there thinking - bit late for that mate!! Maybe you shouldn't have touched her 9 months ago then we wouldn't be having this ridiculous conversation!

Turns out her waters hadn't even broken!

5:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surely prenatal classes and midwives should give advice on how and when to get to hospital? Bizarre that you should be called out so unnecessarily.

4:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm in training to teach antenatal classes and ALL the teachers I have observed stress the following:

- Don't EVER drive yourself if you are or think you are in labour.

- If you need / want to go to hospital get someone else to drive be it bus driver, taxi, friend etc

- If you have continuous pain, lots of blood or part of the baby coming out - dial 999.

Unfortunately we only get a small part of the pregnant population attending classes and they tend to be the middle classes because they can afford the class.

Val

5:02 pm  
Anonymous Stan said...

What a terrible poem.

12:44 pm  
Blogger Steve said...

I thought the poem was rather good! hehe.

Continuous pain, lots of bleeding, part of baby showing, and certainly part of umbilical cord showing before the baby has been born(a dire emergency) I have absolutely no problem with.

But I have to say, I have lost count of the number of times we've turned up at the labour ward with Mrs Contractions-every-9-minutes to be met with the exclamation from the midwife "I told her not to call an ambulance!"

11:08 pm  

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